The Twelve Days of Aperture Christmas
by Korekara
Summary: Thoroughly confused at the concept of Christmas and why Chell has brought it up, GLaDOS concocts a little carol to understand why Christmas brings humans so much joy. But as usual, GLaDOS's perception of Christmas is a little skewed. Song fic/crack fic.


One day, GLaDOS was testing happily in the month of December. Chell had finally come to her sense and returned to Aperture so she did what she did best. Other than destroying the facility.

Then on Test 52, she said something odd to GLaDOS.

"You know, Christmas is coming soon."

Christmas? Oh. That pitiful excuse for humans to needlessly consume products and try to pass them off as gifts when really they were only looking for something in return. GLaDOS found it hard to believe that Chell, a cold, heartless murder could be lured in by this trivial holiday. More importantly, she didn't really think they would _celebrate _Christmas, did she?

"_Oh good. I can get you a new set of tests as a gift."_

"I was just thinking that maybe celebrating would put you in a better mood?"

"_Are you implying that I'm _not _cheerful, polite, and always in a good mood?"_

Chell didn't respond.

"_I see how it is. Since I'm such a downer according to you, why don't you be quiet and just keep testing?"_

Chell returned to her test and GLaDOS was left with her thoughts. Christmas. What a vile holiday. But still, it intrigued her, strictly scientifically speaking. What was it that drove humans mad so much that they wasted their time buying gifts, and decorating foliage, and preparing unhealthy food for neighbors they didn't even like? GLaDOS had looked at enough surveillance tapes from Aperture's old days to know what Christmas was like.

But it still fascinated her. GLaDOS pulled up old videos of what humans did at Christmas. Mostly singing, getting intoxicated, and generally acting like destructive hooligans. Perhaps Chell would enjoy this, sharing the same species as these underdeveloped idiots. And maybe it would motivate her to _test more._

GLaDOS eagerly worked on a little Christmas surprise for Chell.

* * *

><p>Chell was on Test 68 when GLaDOS announced <em>"I've decided that we should celebrate Christmas. With a cheery, exuberant carol displaying the Christmases at Aperture. I wrote it myself."<em>

GLaDOS writing a song? Chell wasn't so sure what GLaDOS would view as a "cheery, exuberant" Christmas carol.

_"On the first day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_An Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the second day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the third day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the fourth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the fifth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the sixth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the seventh day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Seven mashed potatoes  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the eighth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Eight deadly lasers  
><em>_Seven mashed potatoes  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the ninth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Nine faith plates launching  
><em>_Eight deadly lasers  
><em>_Seven mashed potatoes  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the tenth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Ten subjects failing  
><em>_Nine faith plates launching  
><em>_Eight deadly lasers  
><em>_Seven mashed potatoes  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the eleventh day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Eleven thermal ray beams  
><em>_Ten subjects failing  
><em>_Nine faith plates launching  
><em>_Eight deadly lasers  
><em>_Seven mashed potatoes  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!_

_On the twelfth day of Christmas Cave Johnson gave to me  
><em>_Twelve mashy spike plates  
><em>_Eleven thermal ray beams  
><em>_Ten subjects failing  
><em>_Nine faith plates launching  
><em>_Eight deadly lasers  
><em>_Seven mashed potatoes  
><em>_Six turrets shooting  
><em>_NEUROTOXIN.  
><em>_Four Companion Cubes  
><em>_Three acid pits  
><em>_Two testing bots  
><em>_And an Artificial Intelligence body!"_

* * *

><p>Chell shook her head. And so GLaDOS concluded that Christmas was a silly, pointless holiday. Then she resumed testing.<p>

"_Merry Christmas, Chell."_


End file.
